Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Randomize
