lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
