ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
