oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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