Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
