i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
