Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
