did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
