no, he came in my armpit
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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