im about as happy as oj after his trial
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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