WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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