apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
