He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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