He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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