i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Randomize
