If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
