Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
