Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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