i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Houston, we have a blender
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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