Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
