i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
