I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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