She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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