You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Randomize
