if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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