Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
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