Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
