we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
my liver is dry heaving
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
