What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
