i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
