the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
