I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
