do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I have already put on my inside pants.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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