I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize
