Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
