I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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