If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Randomize
