all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
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