and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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