If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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