Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
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