"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Randomize
