you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
