i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
