You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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