South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
