I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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