...so i touched it.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
