There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I think my fart just growled at me.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
