R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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