I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
as a side note pls kill me
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
