Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
