That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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