He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
third nipple confirmed
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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