The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
