My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
