When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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