ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
