i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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